Me

if you don’t call me tomorrow i might sink deeper into the hole

i called you tonight

when my drunk was still on

and i wanted so badly to tell you that i love you

but

i didn’t

because i love you

i love you so much

and i want you so much.

but i just said hi,

and i’m sorry.

and i guess i am,

i am sorry, so so sorry,

for loving you so much,

and getting nothing in return.

i love you

i’m at that part of lesbian right now

where i literally just want

to kiss all the girls

tmi?

woops

writingsforwinter:

i am trying so hard

to remember what i look like.

sometimes it is much too easy

to forget who you are.

but i think that right now this

is happening to me.

my thoughts are ghosts

and i wish they would just fly away.

(via illseeyousoon-then)

i was never out of the woods, i was lying to everyone else so i figured it was okay to lie to myself.

this is not something i am okay with, and i don’t think it’ll be something i’m going to be okay with for a while. 

because this is so much more than being a lesbian. this is about being lonely.

and i can’t remember a time when i wasn’t lonely, and i can’t picture a time when i won’t be lonely.

and this is just another thing that makes me feel like i won’t ever be able to touch other humans or allow them to touch me.

it’s not so much a wall as it’s a barricade.

“stay away stay away stay away”

if you want me to do that, i will.

i swear i will.

i don’t even know how to interact with humans anymore without feeling like i want to die, so maybe i’ll just say inside and cry and look forward to a time where that will be normal. because everyone is bound to forget about me after a while, and they all will, and i’ll still be lonely but also alone.

maybe then i’ll figure out the place where my thoughts start and feelings end.

i feel like today is the day that i stepped out of the woods.

the intense self loathing and internalized homophobia started around october of this year, and persisted until right about now. but over the last few nights, i’ve had some very serious moments with myself where i had to be completely honest. 

i can be very honest with other people, but when it comes to myself it’s incredibly easy to lie. most of the time i don’t realize i’m doing it until someone points out something about me that is completely opposite of what i’ve been telling myself.

there’s this one line in a florence and the machine song that goes “i am done with my graceless heart, so tonight i’m gonna cut it out and then restart.”

i feel like i wasn’t able to change until i decided to completely restart. i’m letting myself develop new ideas, and beliefs without feeling like i have to conform to a certain way. 

and i don’t want my sexuality to define me. i understand that right now it’s what’s going to take up most of my thoughts, but i want to get a good understanding of it and let it be a part of me. i don’t want to go about to people and say “i’m a lesbian” instead of “i’m dee.” 

it’s just another characteristic.

The L Word came on the tv the other night, and it keeps playing different episodes every day so now i’ve started watching it and what

like what

i’m so gay